He Discovered a New Species... And Now Regrets Everything

Most bird watchers rely on clear photos and scientific documentation.
Hooper Kazcelowski has something a little different.

In this episode of 87.9, professional bird spotter Hooper Kazcelowski claims he discovered a brand new species along the Mississippi River. He even brought photo evidence. There’s just one problem… the photos were drawings made by Hooper's 24-year old nephew.

In this episode:

• Hooper explains how he discovered the mysterious emerald-breasted bird
  
  
• The “photo evidence” that raises some serious questions
  
  
• Why Hooper’s nephew may have sabotaged the entire discovery
  
  
• Hooper’s unusual approach to eating hot dogs (ketchup only, no bun)
  
  

What starts as a scientific breakthrough slowly unravels into one of the most questionable bird discoveries ever presented.

Watch this episode of pure IMPROV madness to decide for yourself.

Produced by Propellant Films
Starring: MJ Matheson as Glenn Sheen and Lucas James as Hooper Kazcelowski

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You memorize the bird call perfectly out of my own. There it is.

unknown 0:06

Papa. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 0:14

That's the shorter version.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

It's 87.9 K Who Radio. And guess what, friends? It's time for the K Who Are You interview. It's your boy Glenn Sheen on the mic. And on the mic to my left, or if you're looking at us uh uh uh from a uh uh the astral plane, he's every direction. And if you're just listening to us, it doesn't matter. Uh welcome to the studio today, Hooper Kazelowski. Nice to be here. Thank you for having me, Greg. It's Glenn. Who? Glenn. Uh uh Glenn. Glen Glenn. Yeah, my name's Glenn with two Ns actually. Oh, okay. Yeah. Not a Greg. Uh, but I get you know I can see why you'd think that. You look like a Greg. Do I? Yeah. Oh, uh, okay. I'm more of a Glenn. Oh, well, I mean, it's just my opinion. That's fair. Yeah, you know, we're gonna learn a lot about your opinion because you're you're you're our guest today. It is about you. It's about you, Hooper, Hooper Kazelowski. You may be familiar with him uh because he has a wonderful podcast uh uh called Hoops Coop. Uh and uh Hoops Coop, what's that podcast about?

SPEAKER_01 1:19

Well, thanks for asking. Um Hoops Coop is a uh podcast all about birds.

SPEAKER_00 1:26

Birds. Yeah, birds. Interesting. Birds are everywhere. They are. Yeah, and I and and some people say they're not real.

SPEAKER_01 1:34

Well, I mean, that's their again, we go back to opinion. Opinions, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't really subscribe to that opinion. No. I think that birds, you know, you know, they're they're real. They're real. They're in the air, they're all around us. They're you know, this descendants of dinosaurs. So in in theory, Okay, that part's crazy, right? In theory, like we are descendants of cavemen. Right. Right?

SPEAKER_00 1:57

Yeah, and women. Well, and and and and and they them. So they could be cave they thems. That's true.

SPEAKER_01 2:03

If you accept that theory, um in a way, these birds have been around us for a millennium. Like they they know who you are. So they know everything about you. Birds know everything about you.

SPEAKER_00 2:18

See, that's that's the part that that kind of sounds alarming to me. I think that the whole joke, or maybe like uh idea or conspiracy theory is that birds are fake. They're surveillance cameras that that are that are recording your information and whatnot uh for the government. Yeah. Uh and then uh in 2020, during the pandemic and the quarantine, it's because they had to change their batteries. Yeah. And so they wanted us all inside so we didn't see that, you know. And I don't believe that necessarily. I just think they would have found a way to make their wings solar panels so they could just charge up that way. That's what I believe. But um, maybe the birds know me is also this spiritual sort of feeling that maybe led to that conspiracy theory.

SPEAKER_02 2:53

Yeah. Oh, it could be.

SPEAKER_00 2:54

It could be, yeah. Again, matter of opinion.

SPEAKER_01 2:57

Well, matter of opinion. That's true. Fair that's true. It's a very uh very interesting opinion, Brent.

SPEAKER_00 3:03

I yeah, Glenn. My name's Glenn. Who? Me. Oh yeah, yeah, I'm Glenn Glenn Sheen. Uh it's Glenn with two N's Brent with two N's. Glenn. G, like like uh, like a place you may find a bird, a Glen.

SPEAKER_01 3:16

Sorry, I just got off the plane. My I my ears are kind of like still popping. Oh, okay. You can't really hear. I can't really hear very well.

SPEAKER_00 3:22

Oh, okay. Where'd you fly in from?

SPEAKER_01 3:24

Um San Francisco. Oh, and are your arms tired?

SPEAKER_00 3:33

Okay, uh, how was how was San Fran?

SPEAKER_01 3:35

Well, like I said, I'm here straight from that convention, and I come with news. News that well, I just discovered a brand new bird.

SPEAKER_00 3:52

Whoa. Hold on. Can I ask you, uh Hooper, uh do you have a name already for the bird? I don't want to get ahead of myself here, but I mean obviously if you're the person that discovers it, you get to name it, right?

SPEAKER_01 4:01

Yeah, oh absolutely. And I've and I've thought m a lot about this, and I've tried to like kind of just go back to you know, the moment that I heard it. Yeah. The moment that I saw it. And uh the first three words uh came to mind big emerald breasts.

SPEAKER_00 4:22

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 4:23

It was a tufted breast. So this brand new bird no one's ever seen. Okay, and uh, well, I've got documentation.

SPEAKER_00 4:32

No way. Yep. Okay, so you can prove that you have seen it. I have proof.

SPEAKER_01 4:37

I have proof. Uh well, typically in the birding world, you would have some sort of uh recorder or video camera or you know, some sort of camera device. Yes, the our studio's chock full of them now. Yeah, yeah. But unfortunately, when I saw this bird, I didn't have any of that. Actually, I had one, but uh my lens was smeared with ketchup because I was eating a hot dog earlier. In lieu of this video uh photographic evidence.

SPEAKER_00 5:07

Yeah, how how do you have proof then if you didn't get to uh take any like photos or videos or did you have an audio recording of the bird call or um yeah, unfortunately, like I said, my hands are just slick with ketchup.

SPEAKER_01 5:19

I just how how soon after eating this hot dog did you discover this? I don't have when I eat hot this is a separate story, but I when I don't when I eat hot dogs, I uh don't have a bun, but I like a lot of ketchup.

SPEAKER_00 5:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 5:33

Just just just like this?

SPEAKER_00 5:35

Sure. With ketchup around it. So you just you slather the hot dog up and ketchup and then you just put around your mouth. Yeah, yeah. And I just, you know, yeah. I eat it.

SPEAKER_01 5:45

Wow. And and sometimes it gets strange looks in public, but yeah, I just kind of uh you know think of it as people want my hot dog.

SPEAKER_00 5:56

Yeah, okay. So maybe people are you just think people look at you and they're jealous? They're like, ooh, I want that Frankfurter. Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_01 6:03

Well, just I like to I don't like to feel the hot dog, I just like to slide it down my gelatin.

SPEAKER_00 6:08

It's kind of like shooting into your mouth like Scooby-Doo would.

SPEAKER_01 6:10

Yeah, kind of like a like a cartoon banana. Just right into my stomach. If I if I don't chew the hot dog, the bet that's the best case scenario for me.

SPEAKER_00 6:19

Uh do you think if you like ate the whole thing and swallowed it, you just go down and because it's a tube already, you think you just poop out a whole hot dog?

SPEAKER_01 6:26

That's that's the hope. Really? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:28

You like you to shoot all the way up and down.

SPEAKER_01 6:30

I have some gastrointestinal stuff that I really don't want to get into on air. Yeah, you don't have to do that. I can. Well, maybe after the break. Not to get into it too much, but before birding, you know, I used to do some I used to not write, but uh perform erotic novels.

SPEAKER_00 6:51

Hold on. You used to perform erotic novels.

SPEAKER_01 6:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:55

Isn't that just having sex?

SPEAKER_01 6:57

No, no, no. I would take I would I would take the content, right? Whether it be a custom content or a content that's kind of well known. Um, and I would um I would perform it. You know, I would say I would commit it to memory and perform the entire thing, both in person and in audio format as well. Wow, okay.

SPEAKER_00 7:21

We're gonna have to hear more about that about the after the ad break, but we are gonna have to cut to the ad right now. Um uh somehow we're going from uh sloppy hot dogs into performing erotic novels into finding new birds. Don't forget that new bird though. Oh no, the bird, no, the new bird is the real thing here for sure. Uh the Hooper Kazelowski, so happy to have you in the studio. 87.9 K Who Radio. Don't you touch that dial. You stay locked in. We have an ad break right now, and you should listen to them, okay? It's like your vegetables with your uh dessert. Uh just God, just fuck, just fucking listen. Hoop. Wow, fascinating, man. Fascinating.

SPEAKER_01 7:58

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 7:58

Um, where do you where do you live? Do you remember asking?

SPEAKER_01 8:01

Um just around. Yeah, yeah. Wherever I can.

SPEAKER_00 8:05

Okay, so I'm kind of in that boat right now, too. So I uh my wife left my ex-wife left me. Uh and uh then I I met I met I met a guy through this and a lovely fella. He just got out of prison. Uh he uh he runs a ferret for Felons uh uh nonprofit organization. I've heard about that. And so his place has got I mean a lot of ferrets. That is a lot of ferrets. You will have to get used to the scurrying and the chewing and the smell of sawdust and somehow pee and poop at the same time. But uh been living in his basement and we're splitting rent, you know, just the two of us. But um, there's like three other rooms in the house. He's he's told me I have to stick to the basement because the other rooms are ferret rooms, but we've also we've talked about getting another roommate.

SPEAKER_01 8:43

I would be down. Yeah, man? I mean, I we don't have to talk about it right now, maybe after.

SPEAKER_00 8:47

No, we don't, dude. That'd be great. That'd be great. Um we're coming back. Okay, sorry. All right, 87.9 K Who Radio. You heard that last ad. That was from Maximum Northern Limits Extreme Adventuring Company. Maximum Northern Limits. Live on the brink or die. I gotta say, uh, fans out there, and uh to you, my new friend Hooper, uh I I actually enjoyed uh my trip. I went on a Maximum Northern Limits uh uh trip recently, and I was near death, uh, and uh uh I I had a horrible experience, but then I when I came home, what a renewed vigor for life.

SPEAKER_01 9:23

Well, sometimes knowing what you're can't do, there's a lot of power in that.

SPEAKER_00 9:27

You're right. Knowing what you can't do is power. Yeah. You're right. Speaking of power, right before the break here, you were telling me that you you used to and now kind of currently still do uh perform live erotic novels. Yeah. Uh and you you're you're you're slobbing down dogs with ketchup, no buns. And in the midst of all of that, you discovered a brand new bird.

SPEAKER_01 9:48

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 9:48

And you didn't have any recording devices. No. You didn't have a camera, no. You didn't have a chance in it. You're trying to grab your phone, but it slipped all over the place. Yeah. You memorized the bird call perfectly after that. There it is.

unknown 10:09

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 10:10

That's the shorter version. Well, okay. So uh without further ado, if you're willing to do it, I think we're all pretty excited to see what this bird looks like.

SPEAKER_01 10:18

Yeah, and you know, just a reminder that um I haven't looked at these myself either.

SPEAKER_00 10:24

You haven't seen it.

SPEAKER_01 10:25

No, no, no, no, I have not.

SPEAKER_00 10:27

Um you saved the reveal for this? Yes. For you you saved the reveal of these drawings for radio.

SPEAKER_01 10:33

Yes, uh, because I my hands, my hands are are perspirating. Uh because of this, and and partly because I haven't really eaten a hot dog in about 18 hours. Um I think I'm kind of addicted to the nitrates. Um but I'm really excited.

SPEAKER_00 10:51

Yeah, as well you should be. I'm excited too. And listeners, uh, this is uh, you know, I've been told we should access the cameras a little more often, but I I don't think it's uh necessary usually. Uh but if you'd uh like to go ahead and make sure you watch these on YouTube so you can see uh the full extent of these pictures. I'm very excited to see them. I I I say bust him out, my friend. Let's go.

SPEAKER_01 11:09

Well, there I also this is from my this is from my nephew Cody. He's an aspiring art student, and he gave us two versions. Because I asked, you know, I just gave him so much detail and I tried to overwhelm him with so much detail. So he gave me two. So is this tape, it's just goes up. This is live. Oh, baby. There's no there's no like 10 second delay.

SPEAKER_00 11:29

We are live. I guess it's already you know, delay is passed. Yeah, I mean 10 second delay, uh maybe that's what my nickname was in high school. What does that even mean? I I don't know. Um Well, Gwen, like I said. It's Glen Okay, Glenn. It's Glenn. Got gotta be got a foot down this one. It's Glenn. Okay. Glenn with two ends. I believe you. Prove it.

SPEAKER_01 11:52

Okay. Like I said, I have not seen this. I'm excited. Scouts honor. Okay. All right.

SPEAKER_00 11:57

This why don't you go ahead and just yeah, show it to the camera? Uh let's go to the screen. Which one? Yeah, let's go to the one right over here. This one? Yeah. It reminds me of my.

SPEAKER_01 12:03

But I haven't also seen it. So am I able to see it from that angle? Well, maybe you want to take a look at it first, then show us. Well, let's just look at it. Again, the breasted emerald warbler.

SPEAKER_00 12:16

You said the big the big emerald breasts. That's wait. You said big emerald breasts earlier. And I was like, Wizard of Oz. Uh but hey, it's your bird's name. You can call it whatever you want.

SPEAKER_01 12:27

Yeah, well, hey, let's see what it looks like. Sure. And then we'll kind of, you know, go from there. Anyway, without further ado, voila!

SPEAKER_00 12:40

Um which is you is uh uh and Cody is a 24-year-old man.

SPEAKER_01 12:49

He is a 24-old old man and uh not a child, excuse me. He said that he could do this.

SPEAKER_00 12:56

Did you pay him for this?

SPEAKER_01 12:58

I did.

SPEAKER_00 12:59

I did, with all the money that I had. I'm glad you didn't use AI. You used a real artist or someone who's beginning as an artist. Uh this might be like again, you're seeing a Picasso or a Mana's or a Monet's.

SPEAKER_01 13:12

Yeah, thank you.

SPEAKER_00 13:13

Absolutely. So here's the second drawing uh from Hooper's nephew Cody Cody. Cody Kesalowski.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

All right, Cody. Here we go.

SPEAKER_00 13:23

Okay. Let's see here.

unknown 13:29

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 13:29

What does it look like?

SPEAKER_00 13:30

Uh oh.

SPEAKER_01 13:32

I can't see.

SPEAKER_00 13:33

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 13:33

I'm trying to show the camera.

SPEAKER_00 13:35

It's uh it it's it's it's uh it's different. It's different slightly. Yeah? Is it better? Yeah. Let me look let me look at it. I um just kinda added a cigarette. I think that's a cigarette. Was the bird smoking?

SPEAKER_01 14:01

No. I needed it so bad.

SPEAKER_00 14:09

God damn it, well, I mean, how you didn't how much did you I told him all I could.

SPEAKER_01 14:14

I told him about the plumage, I told him what the beak, I told him how it sounded, and I told him it was green, and I told him it had. It was a large-breasted green bird.

SPEAKER_00 14:24

Okay, and instead it looks like Plankton from Spongebob smoking a cigarette with some some some small wings. I I haven't seen that movie. Uh sorry, sorry, I'm not helping at all. What I mean is uh don't lose hope. Uh don't lose hoop either. Because uh, hey, there's a good chance you see that bird again, right? Um how about how about how about this? How about this? I'm free right after this. You and me go down by the river. Uh uh, we we we'll we can slam some dogs, um uh no buns, catch-up only, and and maybe we catch we catch that bird, we catch a glimpse of it. And we'll keep we'll keep some napkins nearby so we can grab our phones and take pictures and you know, Glenn?

SPEAKER_01 15:06

I don't know if there's gonna be a hot dog that fixes this. Okay? I had$175 to my name and I gave it to my nephew. Thinking that this would be my break. No one's ever seen this before.

SPEAKER_00 15:21

Right. No one's ever seen this bird before. I would like to also argue no one's ever seen that before. I've definitely never seen that bird either. Do you think it's worth anything?

SPEAKER_01 15:31

Would you want it?

SPEAKER_00 15:32

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 15:33

It could be right back here, next to your uh trophies.

SPEAKER_00 15:38

Uh no. Uh, but I you know, you know, how you know what? I would I would buy one of those drawings. Uh the one with the cigarette because I think that one's just cooler by nature. Really? Yeah. You're not just saying that, alright? No, I'm not just saying that. And I have I have I've got it like 40, 40 bucks at least I could throw at you. I need to see the money. You need to see the money. I need to see it before I get it. We can do that off the uh off the air. Which speaking of off the air, we've got a couple questions sent in. Uh and uh it it is uh it is a fun little thing you can do. Just answer from the from the hip. Shoot from the hip. Okay. Does that sound good? Yeah. Okay, cool. Uh uh would you rather uh would you rather uh live uh uh uh up in the air or underwater?

SPEAKER_01 16:17

I would live in the air with the birds, and I would fly away and I wouldn't ever come back, and I would be maybe a big enough bird that I could swoop down and um clasp something, someone, and drop them into the river. Okay. Um, Cody This could be incriminating.

SPEAKER_00 16:40

I was hoping you weren't gonna say his name, but like just you know.

SPEAKER_01 16:43

I would drop Cody into the river.

SPEAKER_00 16:44

I don't think anything ever happens to Cody Kazalowski now, everyone's gonna kinda wanna think it was you.

SPEAKER_01 16:48

Huh?

SPEAKER_00 16:49

Nothing. Uh if you could reincarnate into any animal, what would it be? This is probably a dumb question. A bird. What kind of bird would it be?

SPEAKER_01 16:55

A big breasted emerald bird.

SPEAKER_00 16:57

And I would fly away. Well, I would I if I was a big uh breasted emerald bird, a bird no one's ever seen before, uh except for you, I would fly to you so you could see me, and you could take a picture of me. Me and my big emerald breasts. Uh Hooper, if there's one thing you could tell to future generations out there, what would it be?

SPEAKER_01 17:15

Um fly high. Fly high.

SPEAKER_00 17:19

Um fly high. Fly high, fly high, and fly high. You heard it here, folks. That was Hooper Kazelowski. Hoops Coop is the podcast. Check him out. Stay tuned, because he and I are gonna go to the river and we're gonna find a new bird. And if not, we're gonna throw his nephew in. I'm kidding, I'm not gonna do that. That's not I'm not legally uh tied up in this at all. Uh but hey, K Who Heads, don't turn the dial because um, oh, oh, oh, who's this? It's the minor piano man. That's Elton John. We got an hour block coming up of Elton John coming up right now. That's right. He's the piano man, he's the rocket man, he's the rocket man. That's him. Uh that was my that was that was that was me, that was Glenn. That was not him, but uh stick around, listen to the our rock block of Elton John. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day.